Sunday, September 04, 2011

luahan hati... nk bace,, bace,, tk nk sudah,,


My stressful life began when I was out from my secondary school. Suddenly adulthood appeared in front of my face. No more teachers who told me to do this and that. No more friends who played with me together on the field. No more wardens who ordered me to sleep early. Finally, I was free. Without me noticing, freedom is not forever a good thing. It may benefit and may harm.

 I went to Kuala Lumpur in 2010 to study in Centre of Foundation of University Malaya after I got 10A’s in my SPM. I got to study in life science course. Actually I got an offer to study architecture but once I reached there, I changed my course because my mother eagerly wanted me to become a doctor.

            When I was there, the pressure of its surrounding really stressed me out. It was full of intelligent, genius students who are far smarter than me. I felt so small and timid to be in a crowd of geniuses. The pressure on me to become outstanding in my studies made me becomes rebellious. I admit that I am a person who can easily get influenced by anything surrounding me. Only 2 subjects gave marks on weekly tests and assignments. I did not do assignments that did not require marks from assignments. I only studied when there were tests the next day. It made me far left behind from my friends. I knew it was wrong, but the ego inside let me did it.

In addition, I did not like the Mathematics subject which was the most important subject for us as science students there. Even during my secondary school, I often got the lowest mark for my Mathematics. I know that once we are weak, does not mean we are weak forever. But in my case, I felt that I had put a lot of hard works but nothing seemed to work. I was full of jealousy when I saw my friends who were not trying as hard got better results. I was very frustrated that turned me to become a student who was prejudice towards Mathematics. I felt that Mathematics was there to ruin my future and I was not going to survive with it existing in my life.

I did not do assignments for this Mathematics subject even it was a crucial subject. It is a subject that is guaranteed to be counted in my examinations unlike physics, biology and chemistry which will not affect my CGPA. Maybe I expected something would happen when I became like that but it just did not. I had no one to take care of and advise me.  I just let others did their works on the green board and I copied the answer during the tutorial classes. I did not care about how my tutor would feel. I was such a selfish girl. As I am now a teacher-going-to-be, I do know how it feels when we are teaching those people who do not want to learn. It hurts so much.

There, we could go out anytime we want. We could come back to the hostel at any hour we like. No one was there to scold or tell u what to do and not to do. We were on our own. If we were strong, we survived and vice versa. I did not study much during my first semester there. I did not even know the names of our wardens. The only one I knew was the one who helped us when I lost my keys after my purse was stolen. We were given quite a big amount of allowance. I often went out to watch movies and waste my time in the shopping complex. It showed in my examination result that was quite bad. I almost failed. But at first, I did not feel bad or sad.

After the examination for the first semester was over, we went back to our hometowns for semester break for 2 weeks. During this time I thought a lot about myself. Even I did not get my examination results yet at this time, I knew I did a very, very terrible job. Many questions were left behind without a glance. Many questions were done half way. This showed how bad I was at that time. I suddenly felt lost and sad. I prayed to Allah to light up my way. I wanted to be better in my second semester even I knew how good I would do for my second semester, it would not affect much as the average marks would be given to us. But, I did not care.

            During the second semester, I did feel I changed a lot. I regretted all the time wasted during my first semester. I was wondering why had I become so different with the old me. I was a hardworking, diligent student. What was I expecting by wasting the whole year there without studying? I let my parents down. They spent a lot on me, but I gave them nothing in return. I did all my assignments. I completed them. I had always asked my friends how to do the tasks for the subjects that I was weak in. The guilty feelings of not doing things that had been trusted on me disappeared. I did not feel guilty towards my tutors anymore when I was in their classes.

            One day, my sister sent me a code number for me to fill the form to enter Teachers Education Institute. I was so happy because I had the chance to be a teacher. I really felt that being a teacher was the best thing for me. As I do love English since I was a small kid, I put TESL as my first choice. Sincerely, I love to teach. I went for the interview. I met a teacher from my previous school. He was the interviewer on that day. Praise to Allah, I got the offer to study in Teachers Education Institute Campus Kota Bharu. I was very grateful to be here. I get a lot of friends who can suit me very well and know how to be my friend. I love u all,, TESL 2 AWESOME!!!! Btw, I got better results for my second semester and i got the offer to study in UUM.... but ive already fallen in love with this IPG KAMPUS KOTA BHARU!!! MUAHHSSS!!!


  1. Hey Muja.. Teruskan Usaha. Seperti Yang Disebut, "Berusahalah kamu seperti mana kamu akan hidup untuk selama-lamanya. dan beribadatlah kamu seperti mana kamu akan mati pada keesokan hari." Aq Yakin Dgn Ko. :-)

  2. Muja...sedih bace citer muja... sbb fhm bagaimana rasanya belajar benda kita x minat, rara pun x leh g math. Haha... last2 ignore add math n then jd ckgu subjek yg kita suka. Hehe