Insecurities - Nurmujahidah

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Saturday, April 20, 2019

Insecurities

Assalaamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakaatuh.



People be like, "Easy for you to say. You're not in my shoes."

Yup. We are wearing different shoes. But the fact is, they are still 'shoes'. The painful to wear kinda shoes. The shoes that come with wrong size. The a little too big or a big too small type of shoes. Maybe just different brands. Mine are XES. Yours are Gucci. Perhaps different sizes. Mine are size 6. Yours are 8. Maybe different purpose. Mine are to the field. Yours are to the office.

I deal with my insecurities everyday, feeling like I am the worst woman alive. I can't live to my husband's expectations. I don't feel beautiful. I don't think I am 'small' enough. I don't think I smell nice. My taste in fashion is gross.

I think these are the reasons my husband doesn't want to do this and that with me. These are everything I do, everything I am, everyday when my husband is the complete opposite in my eyes.

Not to forget, I am forgetful, nearing senile maybe. Haha! He joked about it. Yup, I forget things, small things like sending my Erph summary every Thursday and prepare the materials for my next class.

I am always afraid that one fine day, I'll be called to the office, get scolded hardly. I forget what was said 5 minutes before. I forget my keys, name tags, duties, dress codes, schedules. I am just too concerned with the fact that I would be embarrassed again and again until the day I die.

I don't cook well. Nazhan doesn't want to eat food I prepare for him when his nanny always tells me he is a big eater. I sometimes see my son endangering himself and I do nothing because I thought he is smart enough to not hurt himself. He is not yet 2! What was I thinking???

He fell of the bed few times. He cut his upper lip. All the incidents keep playing in my head. If only I have the stop button for my brain activity. I'll press it for sure. I am always, always praying that he will not be harmed in any ways because being this insecure woman that I am, I will blame myself. I will not be able to forgive myself. Forever.

I don't earn enough money! I am to blame coz I am a government servant. I should have enough money for my family. If not, I should work harder. Work more jobs. I blame myself after buying things at Watsons or Guardians. Or treating myself at the KFC or Secret Recipe.

I was so idiotic that one time, I didn't even have money to take my son to the clinic. I want to prepare nutritious food for him at home but I don't coz I deal with money shortage my entire life as a working mom.

Let's just hope and believe that all these negativities are in are in our head only. Trust me, you are not alone. Yes, I am not in your shoes, but I am wearing a pair of shoes.

A pain in the ass kinda shoes! 

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